


Hope

by viii



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Grief/Mourning, Infant Death, M/M, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-04
Updated: 2014-10-04
Packaged: 2018-02-19 21:37:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2403767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/viii/pseuds/viii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>a short piece I did for a writing exercise that had to involve death. sensitive subject.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Hope

**Author's Note:**

> a short piece I did for a writing exercise that had to involve death. sensitive subject.

Steve can still remember the day they brought her home from the hospital. 

Her skin was still a tad yellow but they promised the doctor they would lay her in the sun and let her soak up the rays. Despite the jaundice and Danny’s teasing remark that they had received a lemon, Steve was in love. 

He had set her little Moses basket in the center of their bed, the sun always poured in the large bay window and he knew that her jaundice would be gone in no time. Regardless, she was perfect. More importantly, she was _his_. Grace would always belong to the four of them, but her, well; Hope would always be something that was solely his. She was a McGarrett; she belonged to him. 

He had taken his new role as father seriously, shrugging off the continuous teasing from Danny. Whether he was a SEAL, a task force Commander, or a father, Steve strived to be as perfect as he could. The thought of letting his country or the victims down was a difficult one. The thought of letting his daughter down was unbearable. 

Grace had been nervous and excited at the same time, reminding Steve of a skittish colt. She would edge near the basket for a glimpse before pulling back and tucking herself into Danny’s side. She was pleased with the idea of a baby sister, she hadn’t wanted another baby brother, but Danny and Steve both reassured her that she was their girl and nobody could replace her. 

How crystal clear those five days were. Was it possible to form a routine in just five days? Steve knew it was possible to form an attachment, that had happened before she was even born, but an established routine? How could he feel so empty when his life had been so full for such a short time?

Too often Steve had seen cases where couples fell apart and never made it through together. He had never understood that. Surely you wanted to cling to the only you love when you need their love the most. Not so, Steve has learned. The sight of Danny’s tearful face made him recoil, made him burn with anger. 

Danny didn’t need to cry so much, he didn’t need to grieve as hard as Steve did. He still had a daughter; his heart was broken but still existed within the cavity of his chest. Steve’s heart was gone; it was buried deep within the ground, clenched tightly in the cold fingers of his dead daughter. 

Hope. 

What an apt name. 

Steve didn’t think he would ever feel hope again. 

He began to pull away from Danny, pacing the halls to avoid sharing the bed. He didn’t want to hold Danny and tell him it would be okay. It wasn’t okay and likely never would be again. 

Their lives had changed and nothing would be easy again. Regardless of where they went and what they did, one fact remained the same – they had lost a daughter. Somehow, on their watch, they had failed their biggest test and their baby had left them. 

Steve chokes back a sob. He didn’t want to cry again. Tears were a poor representative of how he felt; tears would not do his pain justice. Tears would also bring a concerned Danny, who would hover and brush his shoulder, murmuring that he was there for Steve, even as his own face crumpled in sorrow. 

Rubbing his face briskly, Steve makes his way down the hallway to where Hope’s nursery lies. The week after, when Hope had barely been in the ground, Danny had wanted to clear it all out, donate everything to charity and repaint the walls. Said he couldn’t bear to see the room any longer, wanted a fresh start. 

Steve had grown cold and angry, furious that Danny would not only suggest such a thing, but that he would want it to begin with. Steve had refused hard enough that Danny had caved. He knew Danny still believed this to be Steve’s house, even though Danny had lived there for two years already. 

Normally Steve would be the first to argue that this was their home but on that day, he hadn’t fought so hard. 

Closing the door behind himself, Steve lowers his frame into the wooden rocking chair and picked up the light cotton blanket that was the brightest teal. She had died, wrapped in this blanket. It had been a gift from Kono. It was organic, she said. It would be so soft against Hope’s chubby cheeks as she slept. 

Was it soft against her skin as she stole away? Did it keep her warm as her heart grew colder and colder?

Steve doesn't even realize he's crying until he is already gasping in jagged breaths, the blanket wound tightly in his fist. He doesn’t even hear the door open, he just suddenly feels Danny’s arms around him, Danny drawing him out of the chair and on to the floor where he can hug him properly. 

Steve doesn't want to hug Danny but he's so warm and he can’t resist it. He curls up against him and lets himself cry; it is the only sound this nursery will hear anymore. 

“Babe… babe,” Danny soothes and Steve knows he will punch Danny if he says something trite right now, Steve can’t handle that. “Babe, I love you,” Danny whispers brokenly, his own face wet. “I love you, I love you so much.”

“I’m sorry,” Steve says because he has never apologized for letting Danny down; for lowering his guard and not seeing the danger within his own home, for not keeping his family safe. “I’m so sorry.”

“I love you,” Danny says again, kissing Steve and Steve can’t resist his kisses anymore than he can resist Danny’s hugs. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

The affirmation of Danny’s love rushes over him like an incoming wave, bathing him in its warmth and light, drenching him suddenly in peace. He holds on tighter to Danny, unwilling to let him go, not even for a moment. 

Hope isn’t here and never will be again. Nothing will ever, _ever_ take away that pain. Danny’s here, though. Danny’s here, which means Steve isn’t alone. As long as Danny and his love remain, Steve’s life isn’t quite so dark; the sun shines just a little brighter. 

Steve closes his eyes and holds on to his husband.


End file.
